Life presents challenges daily in the form of difficult people and situations. Friction arises in relationships with lovers, relatives and co-workers. When you react from your ego it magnifies those challenges.

The ego is the source of growing problems in your life. It typically wants to make enemies of everybody through reactivity.

It's the voice inside your head that always wants to be right in order to feel superior to others. Letting your ego get too big is a danger to you and others.

It comes in disguise as something good but feeds off of negativity and suffering. With a big ego you cause yourself pain as well as others.

There are many people with big egos so you must use caution when dealing with them to steer interactions in the right direction. One form of ego is when people identify with their opinions and belief.

This means their sense of self is invested in the opinion. That said, when you challenge their opinion it is taken as a threat.

It invokes a stress response similar to being attacked because the brain doesn't know the difference. This may be something that you do at times.

I'm guilty of it. It's become somewhat normal.

This is the breeding grounds for perpetuating problems. When there's a sense of identity involved in a debate it gets worse before it gets better.

This reactivity is not only an issue at a personal level but there are wars happening right now because of this very reason. One side wants to be superior to the other and needs to be right by proving the other wrong.

When 2 sides are fighting that same battle it escalates into loss of emotional control or worse, violence. There's unfortunately a common theme in humanity of this nature.

For years we've been conditioned by the generations before us to think and act this way. The lack of self awareness let's the ego rule the show. So you're left to an existence of fighting with almost everyone around you.

The ego enjoys that. It likes to keep you in suffering and feeds off of it.

After separation with my ex wife I was often reactive and causing friction between us because I resented her. I still felt attracted to her although I tried to suppress that so I could feel superior.

The bottom line is that I made waves with her from this place of resentment. Whenever a challenge would arise between us about shared custody I'd blow it up because of feelings of grief from losing our connection.

My ego would flare up because I didn't accept her loss of interested in me but being interested in other men that I thought were below me. This was the work of my ego.

Comparing and resisting what is. Another example of this is frustration toward my 4 children as a single dad.

I'd often be absorbed with trying to create a source of income and figuring out how to land a life partner to balance my life. I was essentially trying to get to a more fulfilling life situation.

Little did I know I was resisting the one I had. I'd get frustrated and angry with interruptions from the kids (which are plenty with kids). I was not happy as a single dad and it effected the kids negatively as well.

When I look back I remember they'd go to their suite and close the door to hang out. Most likely to avoid me. I actually preferred it at the time to separate myself from their intense kid energy.

It was hard for me to let go of my affairs because I was habitually in go go go mode. The ego is oriented toward survival so it asserts the idea that you're running out of time and everything is at stake at all times.

The ego creates artificial pressure through worry of the future. It is never at ease and would rather be other places and times.

I knew that I needed to change or I would be in constant discontent at home. It took some time to surrender to my life situation and still takes effort but I have found solid leverage.

I'm able now to witness and correct myself when I slip. I am no longer at the mercy of my emotions. As a result I'm finding more harmony in life in all areas.

Challenges still arise but I no longer resist them as I did in the past causing suffering for myself and others. I sense the kids are more at ease with me and we're closer friends.

My ex and I are now on good talking terms. If there are any issues we're able to work them out without heated arguments. Those arguments stemmed from me each time but now they've dissipated.

The most challenging situations of life arise in close relationships (family and lovers). They know how to trigger us the most and poke at unhealed wounds. They test us.

So how do you pass the tests with flying colors? You change from within and the outer world follows.

Pain-to-Peace Framework

Practice self awareness

Self awareness can be practised in a few ways. The ultimate goal is to become aware of how you're thinking and feeling throughout the day.

If you feel stressed or uncomfortable take a few minutes to sit quietly and observe your thoughts. The root of suffering is almost always linked to thinking alone.

It's self imposed usually in form of worrying about some event that could happen in the future (that probably won't happen) or regret of something that happened in the past.

When I feel tense I often find that it's linked to recycling negative thoughts in my head.

I find it helpful to slow my thoughts and simply return to my breathing alone. Once I return to my breath and accept everything in the moment without needing it to change, I'm at peace.

Practice forgetting the past and the future as much as possible. Neither past nor future exists--It's only a construct of the mind. Living in the moment is ultimate freedom from self imposed suffering.

At times you may need to recall a memory or think of the future temporarily to make plans. But otherwise it only creates pain to ruminate about the past or worry about the future.

Many forget about the joy of being alive by being stuck in their heads thinking about a time other than the moment. There is only now.

Learn to embrace the only moment there ever is. As you do a sense of joy can emerge to fill a space once occupied incessantly by worry and doubt.

Acceptance of what is

The ego often resists challenges and wants them to go away immediately. This sends the signal to the universe telling it what you don't want. This puts the focal point on the resistance.

When you focus on what you don't want it brings more of what you don't want to your reality.

When you instead surrender to what happens in life without fighting it you're not feeding it attention but instead accepting it. With acceptance issues and challenges dissolve quickly.

When you fight with life, it fights back. Learn to surrender and accept.

I used to get frustrated when a full glass of chocolate milk would go smashing on to the floor spraying across the house by the kids. I'd be interrupted from a warm dinner to clean up a giant mess of broken glass and milk.

I now practise surrender in those moments and save myself from inner tension caused by resisting it. I also find the capacity to explain to the kids how to be careful for next time.

In kindness I'm received well by them instead of reacting frustrated. The overall impact a shift in attitude has is like night and day.

A few days ago I was at the police station to have them fill out a document and the lady at the front desk had a negative attitude. She was somewhat dismissive but I accepted her as she was.

I explained my situation factually without disapproving of her attitude. She ended up giving me the info I needed to complete my form. By the end of the conversation she was smiling and pleasant.

Had I resisted her in the beginning I'm certain it would have amplified her attitude and I would have been flat out dismissed without resolution. Her attitude instead dissolved from my non-reactivity.

As challenges arise in life accept them to rise above self-imposed suffering. With acceptance and surrender you stay in tune with the most powerful aspect of life.

You are complete and whole when living in the moment. It's the state of being with little or no worry and regret. Negative emotions no longer control your existence when you tune to the only moment that exists (the Now).

Heal inner tension

I used to think about my personal problems a lot causing negative emotions to surface regularly. This caused inner body tension throughout the course of every day.

I now examine and accept negative emotions and let them pass rather than weigh me down. When tension arises in my body I accept it lovingly and peacefully rather than wanting it to go away (which creates resistance).

There are 2 types of emotions. One is based in fear and the other in love.

Fear based emotions are basically empty spaces in the body or lack of love. Love is the emotion of fullness.

Another way to look at it is when you feel tension in your body that is a space inside that lacks love. It is like an empty compartment inside of you.

When tension surfaces in you all you have to do is accept it fully and lovingly. Let it be there for as long as it takes.

As you accept it you release resistance. This may take a few minutes or longer but the effort is worth it.

As you witness the tension and are at peace with it you are essentially filling that empty hole with love. Acceptance is love.

There's likely wounds that still exist within you from past trauma and resentment. I personally have suppressed most of my emotions while growing up so I still have tension arising within me at times. I'm thankful to now have this tool to dissipate it when it does.

This tool is very simple yet it helps me find ease from inner resistance at any given moment. Simple yet powerful.

Summary

Self awareness is the most potent tool to transform the entirety of your life. From living life by default to creating your life with intention.

Life can be designed intentionally when you're not lost in emotional patterns. As you learn to be at ease with what happens in a day (by detaching from outcomes) you create life from a relaxed state.

This relaxed state allows things to flow harmoniously. You're no longer in your own way.

If you struggle with life challenges and not sure how to resolve them I provide affordable counselling to help you go around or dissipate those challenges.

Everything can be processed and resolved no matter how big it appears. I welcome you to book a free 15 minute discovery call at the calendar link below to start the journey to personal relief.

With love,

Kush Wood